


The Naughty List

by shinysparks



Category: Robin Hood (BBC 2006)
Genre: Crack, F/M, Holiday
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 11:25:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,342
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/798177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shinysparks/pseuds/shinysparks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
"It was an honest mistake, Guy." Marian told him softly, her arm wrapped lovingly around his bare, broad shoulders as they sat together in the corner of the main room of Locksley Manor. "Had I come down the stairs instead of you, I might've very well done the same."</p><p>Guy peered over at her in astonishment, his hand still cupped over his face. "Marian." He said, reproachfully.</p><p>Marian sighed. "Oh, come now, Guy: I'm sure you're not the first person to stab Santa Claus in the arse. The man does make a habit of breaking and entering, after all!"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Naughty List

**Author's Note:**

> **A/N:** Happy Christmas and Solstice, [](http://an-lagat-glas.livejournal.com/profile)[**an_lagat_glas**](http://an-lagat-glas.livejournal.com/)! :D Written for [](http://gxm-secretsanta.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://gxm-secretsanta.livejournal.com/)**gxm_secretsanta**.

"It was an honest mistake, Guy." Marian told him softly, her arm wrapped lovingly around his bare, broad shoulders as they sat together in the corner of the main room of Locksley Manor. "Had I come down the stairs instead of you, I might've very well done the same."

Guy peered over at her in astonishment, his hand still cupped over his face. "Marian." He said, reproachfully.

Marian sighed. "Oh, come now, Guy: I'm sure you're not the first person to stab Santa Claus in the arse. The man does make a habit of breaking and entering, after all!"

Guy groaned as he leaned his head onto his beloved wife's shoulder. He then stared over at the pudgy, bearded man who lay straddled across his and Marian's dining table, his red, woolen pants hanging around his ankles and his naked, squishy bottom shining in the breeze. Sticking out of the center of the jolly man's left butt cheek was Guy's curvy, claw-like dagger. It had been a terrible accident, and for once, Guy was filled with regret. Stabbing Santa Claus in the arse had very likely earned him a place on the "naughty" list. Permanently.

 _So much for that catapult I wanted_ , he thought to himself, pitifully.

Marian, of course, had tried to do her best to fix his horrible mistake - not that she terribly desired to see her beloved husband receive that catapult he so desperately wanted for Christmas. In fact, it would be a horrible thing for such a weapon to fall into Guy's hands. On a good day, he would send random boulders hurling though the air. On a bad day? Peasants.

Still, she did not want to see him truly disappointed come Christmas morning, and so, she immediately sent Allan to fetch the best healer in all of Nottingham: the outlaw, Djaq. Of course, such a healing had not come easy...or cheap. In return for her work, Djaq had demanded that every man, woman and child in Locksley be invited into their master's home for Christmas dinner and presents. And, in addition, she and the other outlaws would be given their own holiday feast - all at Guy's expense. Guy nearly passed out at the very suggestion.

"No, no, no, no..." Guy sternly told Djaq until Marian stomped on his bare foot and eyed him pleadingly. "YES!" He then exclaimed, wincing slightly. He then extended his slightly shaking hand toward Djaq. The outlaw healer took it gently, smirking at him as they shook hands. Guy heard her chuckle as she turned and set to work on Guy's newest victim.

"This will hurt, I'm afraid." Djaq warned Santa Claus, as she gripped the handle of Guy's dagger tightly. She then began to carefully nudge the blade out of his bottom. It was no easy task, as Guy had buried the dagger all the way up to the handle.

"Ho...ho...ho...WHOA MAMA!" Exclaimed Santa Claus, his eyes filling with big, wet tears as he clawed into the table furiously.  
"Almost there." Said Djaq, reassuringly, as she slowly wiggled the bloodied dagger free. "It is out." She announced a few moments later, tossing it down onto the table next to her. Both Guy and Marian breathed a sigh of relief.

Djaq pressed a clean cloth to the wound to stop the bleeding. She then stitched up the wound as neatly as she could, causing Santa to yell and jump with each stab of her needle. Placing a few medicinal herbs on it, she bandaged the wound as best she could.

Santa Claus slowly inched off the table and pulled up his britches and red, woolen pants with great care. Looking up, he smiled at Djaq cheerfully.

"Thank you, m'dear." He told her warmly.  
"You are very welcome." Replied Djaq, as she handed him a small, clay jar filled with medicine. "You should apply this to the wound twice a day to help it heal. If it does not...well, I am sure you know where to find me."  
"Oh, I do." Santa replied, winking at her.  
"I don't." Guy piped up, grinning at them mischievously. "Perhaps you could give me some directions?"

"No." They replied in unison, leering at Guy evilly.

Guy groaned. "But, I was being clever!" He then whined at Marian.  
"Yes, it was very clever, Guy." She replied. "I'm sure Robin would've totally fallen for it."

Guy smiled at her, looking quite satisfied. Marian kissed him sweetly on the forehead. She then stood up, shook the wrinkles out of her white, linen nightgown and walked over to Santa and Djaq. Guy followed behind her.

"Could you hand me my bag?" Santa asked Djaq, pointing towards a small, red sack lying on the opposite side of the room.  
"Of course." Djaq replied, as she walked over and picked up the sack. She handed it to Santa, who laid it onto the table behind them.

Santa reached inside and pulled out a clay pot that contained a small, green spiny-looking plant with long, fleshy leaves. He quickly handed it to Djaq.

"For you, milady." Said Santa, smiling. "I hear the extract of this plant is quite handy for healing burns."  
"Thank you!" Djaq replied, grinning, as she took the plant.

Santa Claus then turned his attention to Marian. He beamed at her, and pulled out a neatly folded piece of fine fabric in a mixture of dark greens and browns.

"And for you. This will help to hide you better during your 'nighttime excursions.'" He said, winking, as he handed her the fabric. "There's also a little contribution to your good works from myself and Mrs. Claus tucked away inside."  
"Thank you very much, Santa!" Replied Marian, smiling enthusiastically.

Guy looked over at Santa Claus hopefully. He knew the catapult was most definitely out, as there was no way, neither magical nor mundane, that the man could fit one in such a small sack. Still, Guy would not be disappointed with a new dagger, or perhaps one of those neat, inflatable doll things that Allan got for his last birthday. Guy was certain that one of those might help him to feel a little less lonely and sad when Marian's Aunt Flo came to visit. Being forced to sleep in the barn by himself was certainly no fun, after all.

"You!" Santa bellowed, thrusting his gloved finger at Guy's face and shaking it furiously. His eye began to twitch violently, and his lip quivered.

Guy smiled at him sheepishly.

Santa growled in thunderous rage, and reached into his sack once more. He took out a handful of shiny, black rocks and swiftly pelted the unsuspecting Black Knight with them.

"THERE'S YOUR PRESENT, YOU AWFUL, NAUGHTY GIT!" Screamed Santa before he burst into a torrent of obscenities in a mixture of different languages, many that Guy had never heard before. However, when Santa came out with a few nasty phrases in French that involved Guy's mother, Guy nearly stabbed him again - this time, on purpose. Marian calmly held him back, and Djaq helped to usher Santa from the room, closing the door behind them.

"SAY THAT ABOUT MY MOTHER AGAIN, CLAUS," Guy screamed after them, flinging the door back open, "AND NEXT YEAR I'LL PUT MY FOOT UP YOUR FAT ARSE SIDEWAYS!"

"Guy." Said Marian soothingly, placing her hand on his shoulder. Guy sighed, turning towards her and feigning a smile.

"I guess at this rate, I won't be getting presents next year, either." He said, hanging his head.

Marian lifted his head back up gently with her finger, and kissed him sweetly on the lips.

"You know, Guy," She said to him, smiling from ear to ear, "There is one present that Santa can neither give nor take away."  
"And what is that?" Guy asked her, cracking a lop-sided grin.

Marian smirked at him playfully.

"Me." Replied Marian, twirling the laces on her white, linen nightgown and loosening it ever so slightly. She then stared into Guy's colorless eyes lustfully. "Would you like to unwrap _me_ , my love?"


End file.
